best served cold
by portisHeart
Summary: Fei Long's birthday morning's serenity is disturbed by the presence of an unexpected visitor.


_Written for LiveJournal Club Sion / Fei Long's Birthday Celebration /_  
_Prompt was, here in short form: "... [associate Fei Long with this Chinese Year of the Goat] ... [the Goat can be real or not] ... [create something unique that will be Dragon-Goat and if possible birthday related]"._

_Disclaimer: With exception of Liu Fei Long belonging to Yamane Ayano, all featured characters are freely invented._

* * *

It was standing there in the middle of the garden.

HIS beloved, meticulously kept garden.

And it was staring at him.

Chewing on his extremely rare roses, and staring at him at the same time. In the indifferent eyes, there was no trace whatsoever of guilt, of fear, nor the hint of a feeling it might have done something wrong, or not be welcome in this garden where it had no business to be in the first place. On this particular subject, heads were definitely going to roll - and the percentage towards figuratively or literally roll would be defined by the damage done to his peace haven.

Both were immobile, silent, outwardly calm, and staring at each other. While one kept enjoying its meal in a slow but definite manner that would have been, in other species, very akin to sadism, the other was ruminating, albeit mentally, calculating his chances to minimize the destruction the intruder would cause to its present breakfast target and anything else on its path whilst escaping a chase.

Three out of six rose bushes, the precious almost extinct type of rose that had made his pride and filled his senses with the most beautiful view and unique scent, including the one that was feasted upon, were on the verge of irreversible annihilation already, flowers, leaves and tender stems chewed down, twigs broken and trampled upon. Three more to go and the debacle would be complete.

And to think that for almost a decade, the only time any harm had ever been done to the treasured flora specimen had been to cut a dozen blooming flowers once a year to place on his richly decorated birthday breakfast table. Which was exactly the reason why he had visited the garden early this morning, since he was the only one allowed to cut anything off those bushes above the minimal purely therapeutic gardening clipping.

The uninvited guest had also obviously tasted its way through a few other shrubs first, before fixating on the roses, which was also annoying, though not as tragic since they were not belonging to any endangered species. But more positively, following the damage line gave a good idea on the marauder's entry place, which was instrumental in catching the major idiot who would pay with his life and the servitude of his family for having made this catastrophe possible.

Everything pointed in the direction of the gate between the private garden itself and the - mostly unused - golf course that had been built to dissimulate a secret underground escape route. The green being also enclosed by itself inside the high fenced property, the culprit was most likely an insider - one of the gardeners having forgotten to close the gate to the private space after finishing his work. How the rose killer had managed to come inside the grounds at all was still a very incongruous mystery left to elucidate.

Since the intruder had to pay dearly for its crime, finding the source of all evil and blocking it to avoid any possible escape was, after scaring the enemy away from the rose bushes, a high priority.

A quick phone call dispatched a guard team towards the gate from the outside, another one to the intendent informed him in a few words that he had one hour to find the neglectful employee or his own head would roll. Both hadn't taken a minute, and cost not more than the life of 1 more bloom.

Now to the showdown.

A direct attack seemed the best strategy - scare it off the roses, and then stay there to protect them until the guard team that would soon have joined them inside the garden had caught the intruder. Luckily, the precious bushes had been planted close, with not much space between them, which made standing in front of them all quite easy.

Crouching about 8 yards away, he would be near the roses in 3 seconds.

But first he had to be sure any escape route was barred, there was no way he was letting the fiend go away unpunished, and as fast as his guards were, they might need three to five minutes to reach the fence between the green and the garden. Five minutes, at a rate of two roses a minute, or even one since his nemesis seemed to enjoy a comfortable slow chewing, still meant five to ten roses. Too many.

Also, a screaming, gesticulating charge might make it panic and trample everything around it first before it ran, destroying even more of the precious bushes.

So maybe a little distraction would break the gourmet's focus a little. Like throwing something between them. Though, the well maintained garden showed no stray stone in his vicinity, not even a dry branch, and the statue he had sneaked behind as he had spotted the crime scene was on a bare grassy spot without even a shrub to break a twig off. A meek hiding place since the other had sensed his presence in seconds and turned its head just to show it knew before it went back to its meal.

After a few seconds, the solution appeared: he stripped his left shoe from his foot, and a well calculated throw brought it about 6 feet from the eater. Near enough to intrigue it, far enough to make it interrupt its meal.

Or so he thought. His unwanted guest obviously not. It didn't even stop chewing on its last bloom as it idly looked at the shoe, then at his challenger, in a manner so irritably insolent - if it could it would probably have snorted and/or shrugged with its shoulders - before it simply swallowed down and turned its head back, its full attention on the next floral victim.

His face remained impassible, but he was boiling inside. The next shoe landed directly on his opponent's nose, and had been thrown with quite some energy.

From two expected results - namely a startled flight or a possible angry counterattack - it chose a third. Its present mouth load of petals having been swallowed, it bent its head down, picked up the fallen slipper and gave it a good chew through, ruining it completely in a few instants. Then, it dropped the object, and chomped off a new rose. One might say, without batting a lid, if they ever did.

Screaming and gesticulating it was, then.

Of course, it ran through all 6 bushes, managing to destroy as much as it could while it jumped away. There was still enough left to save the priceless rose plants, but it would take at least two years to bring them back to their former glory, and not all of them might make it.

Fiercely, he took position in front of his damaged treasure, protecting it from any further harm, and soon he heard his team coming into the garden.

He immediately shouted at them imperatively, ordering them to capture it alive - if anyone was to terminate the one who had ruined his cherished roses, it would be him - which didn't facilitate the guards' task, since with their honed skills a shot would have been its end in less than a minute, but catching it alive while it ran faster than they did and tended to jump sideways at any time, giving them the slip while trampling on more flowers and shrubs, took them good ten minutes, all seven that they were.

But eventually, the agent of chaos stood all roped up amongst the sweaty disheveled men, and he could stare it down announcing that the plans for dinner might be changed to include his now vanquished foe.

He also wondered loud if a bullet would influence the taste in any negative way, and if he maybe should delegate the whole task to a cook, not wanting to waste more time on this matter on his special day. Due to the whole incident, his morning had been ruined enough already, and he rather felt like a refreshing shower and dress change.

The uneasy glances between his men didn't escape him. They seemed somehow not very enthusiastic at the thought of the intruder's demise, as absurd as it sounded. He asked briskly if there was any problem, and the uneasy feeling grew even more, though no one dared speak up, until he singled out one guard and ordered him to talk.

A babbled explanation followed, and from the trembling lips of the sweating, anguished guard, he was made attentive to the fact that in a few days, the new year was beginning, and that it might be a very bad omen to make a "sacrifice" of exactly this particular captive, since the whole year was in its honor, and that it might bring very bad luck to all of them, especially the one who would end its life, probably also the one who ordered it.

"Bunch of idiots" was the first thought crossing his mind. "How can professional killers with a figurative good few notches each on their gun crosses be so superstitious" was the second. "This is going to spook them all including the kitchen staff for the months to come, and every following minor incident will only strengthen their belief in bad luck, I'm going to share 12 months with jumpy, unfocused subordinates" followed after a short thinking pause.

This was just the moment the chief gardener, also pale-faced, sweating and shaking, returned with whoever was responsible for the open gate. An even more distressed but additionally red and puffy eyes sporting teenager. Not the best subject to make an example of. Especially not on your birthday./p

pEnough of this. Even the universe itself seemed to be in league with the intruder and his whole staff to make a refined, ironic joke at him to annoy him on the day he hoped to enjoy fully with quietude, pleasure and a total absence of stress, he wasn't about to participate further into it with a display of angry temper.

Looking in the round with a serene smile and his hands behind his back, he finally announced calmly "I see we have a situation here that needs handling with care. And I have considered the intricate aspects of our fates, as well as the consequences of depriving me from my own pleasurable birthday morning, as I'm sure you all realize. A morning which I will continue to enjoy with a sumptuous breakfast like every year as soon as we're finished here."

"You", he commanded in a dry, but quiet tone looking at the frightened teenager, "are now no member of the gardening team any more", and he added pointing at the captive marauder "but you will have the honor of solely attend to our distinguished guest here, this includes feeding him, building him a small shed in which you will also live and sleep for the 12 months to come, which will be kept immaculate, and with exception of most limited contacts with my staff to provide the greens our guest and yourself will be sharing as well as the straw for your litter and the water for your ablutions, you will see nor talk to no one else, including your family, nor will you be allowed any free day or use of any communication device. Since you will have free shelter and food and will also not really be working, there will of course be no money paid".

"You", he then uttered with a steel cold voice to the gardening chief, "have until noon to make this whole garden presentable again and save as much of my rose bushes as you can, with the help of your whole team. In addition you will personally spend two hours daily or more if necessary outside of your normal working schedule to tend to them especially and favor their best healing, which I will be observing very attentively. Also, since the junior member of your team has now received new tasks and won't be able to fulfill his duties, as I reckon you have a son about the same age, he will replace the missing youth for his 12 months leave from work - salary free of course since the fees are already been paid in greens and straw to the employee you failed to watch."

"As to our tradition following fellows here", he said addressing the guards, "I'm certain that a visit to the temple nearby, twice daily outside of your work hours, including a monthly donation of a tenth of your salary, added to the total abstention of alcohol and tobacco to purify yourselves - I will of course monitor your spiritual efforts with great attention - will ensure that you will be granted best luck for the next 12 months." After a short musing pause, he continued "And since I feel particularly generous on this beautiful day, the one who brings me the actual person responsible for the presence of our honored guest on my golf course and hence in my garden before nightfall will be exempted from wearing a new tattoo featuring our guest on his chest."

Showing a complete lack of concern towards the respectfully bowing but obviously quite shocked employees all around him, and feeling his good mood from earlier this morning almost back to its zenith - thank heavens for small favors, even if they consist in the freedom to exert wicked frustration compensation - he approached the source of the whole unexpected uproar.

"And finally you, my esteemed guest for this year that shall be celebrated in your honor..." and after having pronounced this loud so everybody present could hear, he bent down and murmured triumphantly into his meanwhile defeated adversary's ear "... see you in 12 months."

* * *

_Notes:_

_#1 - If you read the prompt for the fanfic, you'll guess that "HE" stands for Fei Long, and "IT" for the goat. I don't always use neutral pronouns for our animal companions, but here it was to make a clear difference between Fei Long and his unwelcome guest, while writing the whole encounter not using names._

_#2 - I am a vegetarian and don't advocate or condone any type of aggression towards our non-human friends - this is a crack fic with a virtual non-existent goat character, who incidentally is the author of destructive and sarcastic behavior in the first place, and whose final fate is even left to the imagination of the reader. Don't imitate this at home, kids._

_#4 - The title refers of course to the proverb "Revenge is a dish best served cold " and not to a cooking recipe, especially not one involving any of the characters._


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